I haven’t fallen off the bandwagon

I just need more motivation. I got a free goals day planner, and I cannot find it. I’m tired and depressed. There is some good news- Evita’s therapist who her father pays for her individual sessions behind my back has agreed to do a family session with just me and Evita. My ex won’t even be there! I strongly dislike this therapist, but anything for my daughter.

I got my Perkins 𝐋𝐨𝐚𝐧 down to $1,000 even, and my oldest credit card down to $350. I want to do a big kind of out and about food delivery session over 2 or 3 days or whenever I get to $1350 and have those off my record and out of my budget. I can do it. My lack of motivation comes a lot from my parents.

My dad had a low blood sugar situation the other day. I deal with this by giving him Karo syrup in his mouth with a spoon. He swallowed it and smacked my hand away and said, “What are you doing, bitch?” I said, “Saving your life.” He said, “Fuck you, get out of my house!” I backed off a bit for that Karo to kick in then he started saying he didn’t know what he was doing. I told him, “Your. Sugar. Is. Low.”

He agreed to let me check it. I was so mad that I totally stabbed the hell out of his finger with the lancet. Sugar level 64. I made him some of my daughter’s frozen waffles with syrup and a sandwich. His levels climbed back to normal, and he claimed he didn’t remember cursing me out.

I’m just like, of course you don’t. And I’m expected to just let it go. I have always been expected to let his outbursts and verbal abuse go, and this doesn’t *just* happen when he’s hypoglycemic. He’s just abusive.

I dislike my life enough to need to change it. I need to push past the feelings of exhaustion, depression, and non-motivation.

Regarding finances, tomorrow is payday. My consolidation payment will be auto drafted, I’m paying car insurance, half of my ER copay, and the rest has to go to that therapy session and miscellaneous.