When I was younger, a friend told me, “Do you know what I admire about you?”
I said, “What?”
She said, “Whenever you want to do something, you just do it. You don’t worry that you can’t, or that it will turn out wrong. You’re willing to take that risk, and you go for it.”
When I went through my divorce in 2009, another friend told me, “You’ve been reinventing yourself for as long as I’ve known you”, (which in this case, was infancy).
They’re both right. I always did awesome things with my life. I always created, worked unique jobs, overstepped invisible boundaries and succeeded.
For some reason, that part of me is gone, and it has been gone since 2014 when I realized that finishing college would turn my life into what it is now. Between sometime in 2014 and sometime in 2015, this dark cloud started looming deeper and deeper over me, getting darker and darker. Before college, I always came out on top when I bit off more than I could chew. After college, it bit me, proverbially, and I was swallowed.
As I’ve mentioned before, I have several ideas for things to do with my life, but I don’t do them. I have 2 or 3 books in my head that need to be written, I want to make jewelry again, design the bridal veils, among other things.
Most of all, I want my little girl back. She was with me yesterday and the day before, and I’ll get her back this weekend, but it’s not the same as when I was her custodial parent.